I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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