We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
