Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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