No stitches, just platelets and will power
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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