Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
