you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
