What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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