Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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