Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
