When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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