I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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