do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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