That's when you crack a 10am beer
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
