I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
porn star boner night. come get it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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