Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
