Acid is not a monday night drug
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
