Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
