i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize