I got chris browned last night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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