She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
