I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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