I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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