i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The chlamydia really affected his face.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
