His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
