dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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