No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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