Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
