Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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