My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize