My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
