the day after is always just damage control
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
