Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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