How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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