Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
