jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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