OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
