Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
