I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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