My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Boobs are out for the taking
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Randomize
