i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
