I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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