apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
