Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
