Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
