You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
