I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
