omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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