I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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