Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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