Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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