I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
