mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
