life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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