i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
