you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
