Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
