I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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