its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
