honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
