Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
