And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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