I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's shark week go big or go home
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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