My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
