so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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