Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
