So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i now understand why vodka
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
