hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
