it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
